Sitting on the porch enjoying a warm spring evening I thought about how different my life is now compared to four years ago, when it was nothing for me to drive five hours down to Washington DC, have an hour meeting, check out the city for a couple hours and drive another five hours back to New York. Or on a whim, drive up to Maine to take the dogs for a romp on the beach and drive back. Spontaneity.
All of that is changed now. Being on ten different prescription medications for my sarcoidosis, heart failure and pulmonary hypertension, in addition to the illnesses themselves, has caused me to slow down a great deal. Now I tire very easily and find that I need to take a nap in the middle of the day, on most days. I used to go to the gym everyday and was a lean 145 pounds. I no longer go to gym and over the years, I ballooned to 189 pounds, but have lost 19 and am now down to 170.
And why am I moaning? Really, I thought I had my shit together. I thought I was handling it all well enough. But I am not. I realize that I am grieving for the old me, the person who did things on the spur of the moment and not have to plan when he would eat so that he could take his medications on time.
And I rea
lize I need to talk to someone, a professional, a psychologist, someone who can help me get over the grief I feel for the old me. You don’t only feel grief for a lost friend or family member, or an ended relationship. I realize now we do grieve for ourselves and what we were or wanted to be and do and perhaps can never be or do again.
This is why I have decided I need to speak to someone other than my wife or friend or family member. I need to talk to someone neutral who is not going to always tell me that everything is going to be alright. And today I will take that step in a new direction to the acceptance of the new me. I have an appointment to see a therapist. The way to heal the body is to first heal the soul. Let’s see how this goes. Good luck to me.