Back in April, I wrote that I was going to go see a therapist to talk over all that I had been through with my sarcoidosis and heart failure and the changes it had brought about in my life. I had always heard how therapy was so helpful for people dealing with grief, and that’s what I was going through, grief for the old me and old way of life. I am a very private person and no one but my immediate family and a very few select friends know of my condition, so the choice to go to someone and tell them all my business was a bit daunting, but I figured that the therapist is a stranger, so it didn’t matter.
I went to see a therapist that was pretty close to my home and who took my insurance. My first appointment was pretty much me going over my medical history and my condition, so it was no big deal.
Then came the second appointment, and we started to go into my relationship with my wife. My wife has been my rock and support for our entire relationship. We work together, and spend virtually 24 hours a day together and always have something to talk about and we are constantly laughing. I am truly married to my best friend. In some strange way, the therapist was not believing this. She nodded and smiled, but then would say something like “are you sure she is happy”? Nothing like trying to put doubt in your head.
At the next appointment, she wanted to see if I had daddy or mummy issues and started to dig into my childhood. Then it was my financial situation, if it was secure or not. And then I thought what the hell am I doing here? What does any of that have to do with the fact that I had three surgeries and have been to doctors and hospitals more that I can remember in the last three years, and now have to take ten different prescription drugs to stay alive? I had some really life changing stuff happen to me, and realistically, I think that I am handling it pretty well. And now this person is trying to convince me that any “grief” I have for my old way of life is due to my mother, or father, or wife, or some obscure incident as a child that I can’t remember. I was angry, and that was not what I wanted. I just wanted some sort of guide on how to better accept my new me. I think that she saw there was really nothing for her to do, and that I really did not need therapy, so she looked for something to keep me coming back, so I quit therapy. I just go to what I know works – meditation and relaxation exercises.
What I learned from this experience is that no one can show me how to cope with the new me. Just time, patience and acceptance of the now. The past is gone. We can only remember it fondly. Now is the time to make today enjoyable, full of love happiness and joy.
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