Yesterday, I went to the UPS store and shipped off a package, and with it went a dream. As I placed the package on the counter, I realized with all that the box contained was a wish that was never fulfilled. It was sad, but at the same time, it was a relief. The package contained a collection that my wife and I had put together over the last five or so years of baby clothes and toddler clothes. They were all clothes for our daughter, that we never had.
I am a firm believer in dharma, and it was not in either of our dharma to have a child of our own. When we first got married, everybody started to nag us about having kids. Our answer was always, as soon as you agree to pay for it for the rest of its life, sure, we’ll make one. That eventually shut them up.
Our careers did not allow for us to have a child, and we both decided not to. Then we hit forty, and we both decided to try, but we made the promise that we would only conceive naturally. No test tube baby for us. Then all my stuff happened and we put having a child on hold.
Now as time has passed, I will be fifty in 2012, I have pulmonary and cardiac sarcoidosis, heart failure, pulmonary hypertension and a leaking PFO, and I can barely keep up with my daily schedule. And a child needs all your attention, all day, something admittedly I am unable to do. It would be very unfair to bring a child into this world, and I am not able to help care and nurture it. If we were to have a child now, I will be sixty-nine when they graduate high school (Hopefully I make it that far).
So I watched hat box go off to be shipped to a charity in New york that distributed clothes to children in need, and although I felt a little sad, I felt some relief.