There comes a time in your life when you just give up, but not in a bad way. Ever since January I have not felt 100%. My breathing is a bit tight, even just sitting watching TV and I have a pain that I get in my lower right abdomen. I have been to a doctor’s office or a lab to pull blood, or to have some other medical test every week, and sometimes two or three times a week.
I am so tired of it all. No one has an answer for me yet, so this week I need to have another stress echo and an x-ray of the small intestine which requires barium. Enough already! I cancelled all of the appointments. I need a break. I am so tired of being poked, prodded, stuck and generally just looked at like a giant lab experiment. Tired of grumpy nurses who get pissed when I ask them to clean the blood pressure cuff, or when I tell them to draw blood from the other arm because the first arm is too bruised from taking blood the day before.
I know the doctors all mean well. They don’t think I’m imagining it all because I never complain. And that’s what baffles them. For the first time since being diagnosed with sarcoidosis, then heart failure then pulmonary hypertension, having a defibrillator implanted, I am saying I don’t feel well. So they want to know what’s wrong, and can’t figure it out.
There comes a time you need to step away from things and just give yourself some breathing space. It becomes stressful. I need a week or two just to be a regular human again. I know how blessed I am that I have fantastic insurance that pays for all these tests and prodding without flinching. They never reject anything. But I need to reject these tests, at least for a while, to let me feel like not all of my time is being spent at doctor or lab or x-ray departments. I just need to feel like the old me, at least for a week or two. Well as close to it as I can get.
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