Just Building And Building

I am now up on my prednisone to 15mg. Doesn’t seem like much of a change, but apparently it is. I Have the demon really bad. I am on the edge of a volcano of anger, and it’s just building and building and waiting to explode. Everything is pissing me off. People on the road, every little thing they do I want to cuss them out. The slightest case of bad driving I feel the rage building up inside.

I went to the mall last night and everybody was just pissing me off, for no reason. I just didn’t like someone’s hair or found someone was dressed like a slut, or like a clown. Kids outside smoking and laughing pissed me off. Why didn’t they have a job? There was just something wrong with everyone. And they just pissed me off.

I have had the prednisone demon before, but he usually raises his head at higher doses, not 15mg. Am I starting to lose my tolerance for it? I have been on it for five years now, and maybe my body has had enough. I have so much medicine coursing through my veins it’s no wonder I am even slightly sane.

I guess at some point I was going to hit a wall, and it feels like now I have. I’m just so tired of being tired. I want to be able to walk up an incline and not be out of breath. I want to be able to do my job fully, energetically and not be pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion and pretending I am okay. I want to be that me that was back in 2005, slim, energetic, healthy.

Alas, it ain’t going to happen (Well, at least I can work on the weight part). I have to accept that, and I have. I guess we all need to get these periods of our lives when, even though we accept our fate, we wish it weren’t so. When it gets to that phase, all we can do is get back up, dust ourselves off and continue on, head held high, gasping for air.

I know the doctors put me on 15mg because they don’t know what the hell is going on with me. All the tests so far show I am as normal as I can be. Maybe it’s all in my head. I just know I need to take myself back down to 10mg of prednisone. It seems that’s all my body can tolerate. If I don’t feel less like a vigilante by next week, then I don’t know what to say. Maybe I’ll go buy a super hero outfit and save the world.

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