I can’t believe that another year is about to come to an end. Another year on this planet. The year has had it’s ups and downs. I finally graduated from massage school after five years of stops and starts due to my conditions. I still need to sit my exams so that I can be licensed, and that happens next month. My beloved mother in law passed away this November and it has been an emotional toll on my wife. I miss her so much too. This Christmas was extremely sad not talking to her on the telephone. When ever my wife calls home on Christmas, if I don’t talk to anyone else, I always spoke to mum. And this year she wasn’t there. There was a big void there. I really did love my other in law. I could always count on her to be the first one to call me on my birthday. I’ll have to prepare myself for my next birthday that she won’t be calling. It is not going to be the same.
As the new year approaches, I need to fix myself, emotionally. I think that the reality of my mortality has begun to set in these past few months. Something changed in me when I went home in November. I don’t know what it was, but it did something to me. It was a very releasing trip, but something shifted in me that I can’t quite place my finger on. I have become for lack of a better word, dazed. I seem unable to focus, to be “aware” of what is happening around me. I am wandering on a journey that I never realized I embarked upon and I have no idea where I am going, and don’t know how to get off. I know I don’t make any sense, and that’s how my thoughts are these days. Muddled.
I think that when you have chronic, “life threatening” conditions, you go through cycles where you are fine and accepting, and then you sometimes see that no matter what, it’s all going to end someday. And you hope that day is later than sooner. And you worry, not for yourself, but for those you love, and those that love you. Have you provided for them? Where you good to them? It becomes a whole spinning around in your head of “what ifs” and “shoulda woulda coulda”.
Underneath it all though, I know that I am a very gifted man. I have a beautiful wife that is my universe and I have my ability to be up and about. We all have to go through the valley to get the mountain top, right? Heck, if every day one thought that everything was golden, we probably would go mad. Got to sometimes step out of your own car on the journey just to stretch your legs and readjust yourself before you continue on. And sometimes, in doing so, you realize that you are straying from your course just a bit, and you make a couple of adjustments here and there and strive on.