Passion ~ n. :
a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything
I am one I those people that tends to be good at everything they do or try. It’s not a boast, it’s just the way things are. My brain works in a way even I can’t explain. In high school I drove my teachers up the wall in math class. When you solved a problem you were supposed to show the work in the margin of how you got to the answer. My method always astounded teachers because it was a lot shorter than what they taught, and it made no sense, but it worked.
I also think that had I been born in the 80s, I would definitely been diagnosed with ADHD. In the 60s & 70s, that didn’t exist so my report cards always said “talkative and restless in class”. Still I was always in the top three in my class.
When I went to culinary school, the first subject we were taught was culinary math. At that time I was the only person ever to get a perfect score in every class assignment and exam, so much so the school approached me and hired me as a tutor. I even came up with a very simple way to understand a part of culinary math that stumped a lot of people, which was implemented by the tutoring department and was to be implemented into the school’s culinary math manuals. Don’t know if the latter ever happened. I graduated from culinary school with honors and I was on the Dean’s list every term.
I recently finished massage school and I was also a honor student, and when I performed massages in the public clinic, I always got rave feedback. I may never, however, be a full time massage therapist. I started school before my conditions arose and now realistically, it is physically challenging to have this as a full time occupation. And therein lies my issue. I am not passionate about either. I like them, I am good at them, but there is no passion.
I started to write this post a few months ago and set it aside, and in that time I did a lot of meditation and contemplation on the issue, and tried to go deep within as to what I really wanted to do, what I was passionate about. And it brought me back to my childhood. I thought about what as a child I wanted to do, really do, but never did get around to doing it for what ever reason. One was high diving. I loved that sport, and still do to some extent. I would watch with amazement at these guys flying through the air and entering the water with barely a splash. I wanted to join the diving group in my youth, but my parents would not let me. I forgot what the reason was, so I forgot about it. The problem is, at 51, and with a defibrillator in my chest, I think I can rule out taking up high diving.
Then there was the piano. My best friend got one when I was about nine, and I loved it. I would go over to his house and pluck out the latest tunes. But there was a negative connotation with it. I watched as my best friend hated to be forced to take piano lessons every week, and he had a mandatory 2 hours that he had to practice every day. He hated it, and the piano, and I being empathic, began to dislike the idea of taking piano lessons, to be forced to practice every day. I was a kid that danced to the beat of his own drum, and no way was I going to be forced to be structured like that.
And so the passion for that beautiful instrument has again been rekindled in me. Every time I listed to a tune, I find myself singling out the piano piece of the music, and tapping on the steering wheel to match the stroke of each note. So that’s it. Piano. I am going to learn top play the piano. And that is what is important, especially where I have these medical conditions that not only limit what I can physically do to some extent, but that take up such a huge percentage of my life between doctors and labs and tests. I need to have something that I can be passionate about, something that brings me joy. Something that I can do for me. I think that inherently, people with chronic conditions slowly, unconsciously, allow their conditions to become their life. Looking on the internet for cures, the latest remedies, and by so doing, i think they don’t realize just how sad and angry the become because they are constantly bombarded by the negative aspect of their live, their disease. We need to do something to take our minds away from that, take to a place of joy, if just for a couple of hours. Somewhere we can just forget and be us. Maybe it is painting, singing, dancing, sewing, whatever. Find that passion you may have put aside in your quest to find a cure. The remedy to your daily pain is right inside you. Your passion.