Flashback Monday – Needing A Neutral Ear


Another flashback to a previous post of mine. This one, my second post was about finding an ear to hear me out.

Needing a Neutral Ear

Posted on April 15, 2010

Sitting on the porch enjoying a warm spring evening I thought about how different my life is now compared to four years ago, when it was nothing for me to drive five hours down to Washington DC, have an hour meeting, check out the city for a couple hours and drive another five hours back to New York. Or on a whim, drive up to Maine to take the dogs for a romp on the beach and drive back. Spontaneity.

All of that is changed now. Being on ten different prescription medications for my sarcoidosis, heart failure and pulmonary hypertension, in addition to the illnesses themselves, has caused me to slow down a great deal. Now I tire very easily and find that I need to take a nap in the middle of the day, on most days. I used to go to the gym everyday and was a lean 145 pounds. I no longer go to gym and over the years, I ballooned to 189 pounds, but have lost 19 and am now down to 170.

And why am I moaning? Really, I thought I had my shit together. I thought I was handling it all well enough. But I am not. I realize that I am grieving for the old me, the person who did things on the spur of the moment and not have to plan when he would eat so that he could take his medications on time.

And I realize I need to talk to someone, a professional, a psychologist, someone who can help me get over the grief I feel for the old me. You don’t only feel grief for a lost friend or family member, or an ended relationship. I realize now we do grieve for ourselves and what we were or wanted to be and do and perhaps can never be or do again.

This is why I have decided I need to speak to someone other than my wife or friend or family member. I need to talk to someone neutral who is not going to always tell me that everything is going to be alright. And today I will take that step in a new direction to the acceptance of the new me. I have an appointment to see a therapist. The way to heal the body is to first heal the soul. Let’s see how this goes. Good luck to me.

UPDATE: I did go to see a therapist, but it was not for me, at least that therapist. I believe she had anger issues and I stopped going after the second session. I plan to see another therapist, but one with a more holistic approach, and not so medical

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Nancy Winningham says:

    Wow You hit it on this one for me. Grieving for the old me. I did that that for the longest time. I would even cry when I saw some one jogging down the street. Thinking I can no longer do this. (Even though I had not done this faithfully for a while.) But it was the nursing career I longed to finish. My plans had a rock thrown in the middle of it. And being a mom I felt terrible about not even being able to walk through the mall to help my daughter pick out a dress for the dance. Still to this day I feel she thinks I love her less. Because family members often don’t understand. I have moved on. I try to do what I can each day and what I don’t get done I just add to tomorrow. I have tried to help other Sarkies on different groups. I can also pray and help others. Still I long to be productive. No one really gets this I feel. They still think I am just Lazy. Nancy is not nor has she ever been lazy! There is a very motivated Nancy inside this stupid body just yearning to get much done in this world. At the top of the list, helping others. Any way I can. Seeing beautiful things. Watching our children fulfill their dreams.

    It does help to talk to someone neutral. I guess for me it is talking to Sarkies They are going through this too. And can help me to feel understood when others around me don’t. Thanks to you too for listening and posting your blog to help others understand too. For family members, and Sarkies.


  2. Yikes!? A therapist with anger issues? And you were somehow aware of that? No bueno. I’ve been seeing a therapist since my surgeries and diagnosis Fall 2011 and it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made. Good luck!


  3. kim moore says:

    Walmart(sprawlmart)is no longer an option for shopping for me,I’ll tell you that.I do the smaller grocery stores,people look at me funny when I say I cant got to Walmart because it is too tiring for me.My husband has had serious spinal trouble and surgeries for years(and now copd)but he was still fairly active when I married him,after 5 yrs of marriage,and age 35,he was no longer fishing,camping,anything like that….and it happened so slow I didn’t really take it seriously,I just kept thinking he would start again someday,then one day I realized,he seriously can not do those things anymore.It was a sad realization because he was so devoted to the mountains,they were his life.It took yrs later for it to sink in with family and friends that he could not camp,fish,or explore the outdoors anymore.And now I can not do those things either,but you slowly,slowly adapt over the yrs and just enjoy what you can.Although it seriously is a heartbreaking experience to realize you have to give up these things,it’s a grieving process,like a death,I still have spurts of extreme resentment once in a while,but they go quickly and I just open my latest novel or work on my newest stitching project.The pets help so much too but then I worry about who will care for them if we both get too sick.Its absolutely,positively,seriously tough tough tough to have a chronic illness especially when you are not elderly yet,and it’s good to talk about it.I sure need to sometimes.


    1. Basil Rene says:

      I think that at times I still have not come to terms with it. Maybe I never will?


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