It's a funny thing about looking for something in your life, and the very thing you are looking for is right under your nose. For a while now I have been trying to figure out what I am passionate about, what gets me going. I'm a professionaly trained chef, and I love to cook, but it is a job, not my passion. I am not one of those chefs that are constantly cooking and looking to create the next big thing in gastronomy. When I leave work, that's it, I'm done. I don't look at the Food network. I don't read culinary magazines, or go through cooking magazines. I take off my chef hat and I am me. I actually love to eat out. I am not defined by my job.
In 2007 I went to massage school, and I was passionate about it, but alas, even though I completed the schooling (albeit five years later), and hold my license in Massage Therapy, I lost my passion for it, because honestly, with sarcoidosis, heart failure and pulmonary hypertension, the physicality is just too much to think of it as a full time career. I do still like it, but not passionate about it. I intend to study more modalities that don't require so much physical work, and maybe then I will regain the passion I had for it when I started, but until then, the passion is not there.
So, I have been looking for what makes me passionate. Something that I really enjoy. Something that I actually look forward to and would miss if I weren't doing it. And that search has been going on now for over a year, and to no avail. That is until last week.
Last week I had a really sucky week physically. I had a “sarcoid” week, where I just had no energy, and felt like crap, achy and listless. When I have those times, I don't sink into bed and feel sorry for myself. I tend to push myself and try to fight the fatigue until my wife looks me in the eye and tells me to chill out and rest. She always is there to put me back into reality.
During the week, it was honestly even too exhausting to even think of a topic to write about for a blog post. I had a list of things I wanted to write about, but my brain was too tired to even go there, so I posted nothing, wrote nothing and did nothing. I am currently working on a book, and try to get some writing in every day, and I did none of that either.
Then I kept thinking about what I wanted to write for my blog and my book, and kept coming up with stuff, but just didn't have the energy to write anything, and that's when I realized, I was missing it. I was missing puttting words to screen, ideas to RAM, thoughts to the Cloud. This is it. This is my passion. Writting. I love to write, and when I think back on it, I have always been a story teller and love to write short storis as a boy, as a teenager and a young man. I used to make “Newspapers” with ficticous funny stories. I just always loved to write, and never realized how much I do. It took a week of feeling like crap to realize that my passion was with me the entire time, right under my nose, and I never even realized it.
I decided that I need to actually dedicate time to my passion, which I don't really do. I write my blog entries on the fly, and work on my book when ever I get the chance, and that's not good enough. In order to nourish my soul, I need to feed my passion and write. I need to write everyday. I may not post to the blog everyday, but I need to at least work on it a bit and keep that joy in me alive. I finally found my passion, and it has always been with me. I was just looking too hard in the wrong direction.