This Is A Blogging A To Z Challenge Post
April 2nd – “B”
I recently received an email from a reader expressing their frustration with their illness and went on to say how much “… I hate my body now. I am fat and it won’t do anything like it used to“.
When I was diagnosed in 2006 with sarcoidosis, I was the fitest I had ever been in my life. I was slim, “healthy” and working out at the gym every day. I always had naturally muscular legs, and weight lifters would come over to me to ask how I got my legs, especially my calves, so defined.
Then I went on Prednisone, and I put on 5 pounds in the first couple of months. Doctors said “don’t worry about it, you’re doing fine”. Then it was ten pounds, and then fifteen, and doctors still said that it was okay. People usually put on a lot more. Then it was twenty, twenty five, thirty and then eventually thirty four pounds over weight at my highest.
I hated the extra weight and no matter what I did, it wouldn’t budge. I was eventually able to come down to thirty over weight, and stayed there for a few years. Then last year, after being on prednisone for eight years, my doctor decided to bring me down and the weight is now dropping off again. I lost fifteen pounds so far.
He thing is, with the extra weight I really wasn’t happy. And I realize that extra weight was there because I was not happy. I never thought of myself as hating my body, but the fact that I didn’t like how I looked with the extra weight, meant that I did not like my body.
Then one day in November last year I was getting dressed and looked at my legs, and saw how they were not as defined as they were before. They were now probably 2/3 the size they were, and my calves were not going to be the envy of weight lifters in gyms anymore.
But something wonderful happened. I didn’t feel sorry for myself or sulk that I was not the “specimen” I was nine years ago. Instead I just stood here and stared at myself and I began to thank my body. I thanked it for being as strong as it was when all my shit began so that it was able to get me through it all and not fail on me. I thanked my body for the years and years of wonderful hikes to the tops of mountans and hills to provide me with some of the most breath taking views I had ever seen. And most of all, I thanked my body for fighting with me and enduring this disease and its conditions, and for still having me here today.
Love your body, and if it is not how you want it to look, then don’t hate, but love it enough to change it into the healthier version of you.